Sometimes it's Difficult.

I have this really great habit of taking months off of writing anything on this blog and then I will have a moment where I just have to get something out of my head and heart.

These past two weeks has been one of those times.

As many of you know, Louie was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder in February of this year. But the whole process started almost 6 months ago back in November. I'm not going to go into that whole story and the journey we have been walking through, but as I have traveled through the process since then I have realized a few things.

Basically I had a hard time with spring break and navigating having both kids, one with special needs, and trying to engage and entertain them while also keeping up with laundry, feeding them, general household upkeep, and keeping my sanity. Noelle is pretty easy in general, but if she doesn't have the attention that any normal 5 year old needs, it can wear on her and it becomes more difficult. And then of course Louie needs my attention in ways that I have never experienced with Noelle, and his needs usually trump hers. Louie is only in school about 9 hours a week, but those hours are so helpful for me as a mom - to have a breather, to get household work done, and sometimes to just rest for a minute. It's fine when there is a school break - but the summer break looming ahead made me feel pretty exhausted and overwhelmed (and it's not even summer break yet!)

I was frustrated, scared, and probably feeling a little lonely in the anxiety of it. I actually love summer. I love pool time and playing outside. I like lazy mornings and doing fun things just because it is a care free time of year. But I also know that it's not quite as easy with Louie as it was with Noelle. It takes more effort and sometimes you think something is going to be so fun for everyone and you realize that it is actually a disaster and you need to pack up and leave whatever you had thought was going to be so much fun.

I'm getting off on a tangent here a bit...but what I am trying to say is that sometimes you just realize that it IS hard. That it's not just simple and predictable and that children on the spectrum are referred to as "special needs" kids because they have alot of needs that are particularly special. It requires more from those caring for them...duh, right?!

From the time that it was suggested Louie was on the spectrum to the day he was diagnosed was about 3 months. I spent so much energy trying to figure out for myself if he was or wasn't autistic. Oh the many many google searches I did.... but the day he was diagnosed, it was just like all that mental work to understand and see what was going on with him just clicked into place. It wasn't that I had to process what this meant for him or for us - it was just like, "OK. Well here is our reality so let's just move along now."

Don't get me wrong, I am constantly learning and reading and researching all kinds of things about this diagnosis. There is SO much out there. But I'm not trying to figure out why - I mean there are really talented scientists that have yet to figure out why any child happens to get this disorder, who am I to even attempt to figure out why Louie has it?

Most of the time I am doing really good. I'm learning how to help Louie, I'm learning how to work with him, and show him how to thrive in different environments. He was challenging before we knew what was going on and he is challenging now that we do know what is going on - but at least now we have help and we have resources to know how to move forward. But these past couple of weeks, I wasn't good. It was just hard.

Sometimes the future scares me. I may see a character on a show or movie that is portraying autism or I see a teenager coming into therapy the same time I am dropping Louie off. And then I want to know how long certain things will be a struggle for him, I want to know if he will have a hard time connecting with other people or to make friends. I wanted to know if he will be good at giving eye contact to new people he meets. I want to know if he will have behavioral issues we have to navigate, or if he might potentially be a harm to himself or to others someday. I want to know if he will always  be obsessed with monster trucks. Heck, we are just two weeks out from his school evaluation, and I want to know if he will qualify for the special needs program, or if he will still be able to start kindergarten on time. I want to know if he will be able to have a job someday or a family and children of his own. But I can't know all those answers. And nobody can tell me. No doctor, no therapist, no scientist. The saying is, if you have met one child on the spectrum you have met one child on the spectrum. No two are the same. No path is guaranteed to go to the same end.

Sounds so...unknown...doesn't it?

News flash: All of life is unknown.

I don't know if Noelle will always love purple and pink. I don't know if her eyes are going to stay blue or if one day they will just look way more green (which is what happened to me as a kid). I don't know if she is going to be picked on in school or if she is going to be one of the girls who gets labeled popular and might have a tendency to make other kids feel excluded. I don't know if she will ever be brave enough to ride her bike without training wheels. I don't know if she will ever be ok with dipping her chicken nuggets in a sauce for crying out loud. The girl wants everything plain, lol. I don't know if she will want to go to her high school prom and I don't even know if she will want to go to college.

These might sound like lesser unknowns compared to Louie's. But the fact remains that they are unknowns. We never know where our journeys will take us. Nothing is guaranteed. It's easy to get caught up in "what ifs" but if we do that we miss the here and now.

We are finishing up Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist for our small group this spring. I've really enjoyed it and it's made me think about alot in my life. Many of the things she talks about I have already walked through and found freedom from. But she talks specifically about being present for the things in our life NOW. And so that is one thing that I am greatly trying to focus on.

I don't know alot about who Noelle will be, but I know that right now she loves desserts, art, pokemon cards, and dolls. And I want to celebrate that about her and enjoy the last month of her being 5.

I don't know if Louie will have a more specific diagnosis than ASD or what level he might have of it, but I know he loves to snuggle me and ask me "Hey mama, whatcha doin?" I know that he loves singing his ABC's on repeat and watching monster trucks do the same tricks over and over again. He loves swinging and jumping and bubbles and finding every possible puddle to jump in. He takes so long to fall asleep but is so angelic and snuggly once he finally drifts off. So I will remember to delight in my little boy being 2.

Fear can try to cut in on you and overwhelm you with what the future could hold, and I will be the first to admit that this journey of parenthood and autism has my knees shaking from time to time. But I can decide to reject the fear, enjoy life as it is right now, and choose to remember that God chose me to be mom to Noelle and Louie. He knew that I was the mother they needed and that I also needed these specific babies with all their wonderful different traits.

I know I won't remember this every second of every day, but I know that I can try.

Change of Schedule

Here's what I learned after a week of getting ready almost immediately after waking up.

#1 - I was actually more productive. I totally got more accomplished this week than normal. I jump started my day and it served me well!

#2 - It made getting ready less stressful in general. Sometimes as a mom it is super challenging to get everyone ready to get out the door, myself included. Well my kids tend to be less troublesome in the process of getting ready if I do it shortly after they wake up (especially Louie). They will get easier to get up and out the door someday, but for this stage in life I noticed a big difference in the ease of getting them ready most days.

#3 - I felt like I had a more sound mind for the remainder of the day. It didn't hurt that I had extra time to stop and read my bible app too!

#4 - I made more awesome breakfasts. Funny, I know. But when you are already up and ready and you look at the clock and see how much time you have before you have to go anywhere or do anything...well your cooking gets inspired!

#5 - I was more intentional with Louie in the morning (Noelle was mostly at school except for Fridays). But morning time is kind of special Mama and Louie time. This age is challenging because he has such opinions and is easily frustrated because he can't clearly express them. If I am just ready to spend some focused time on him though, our mornings can be much more enjoyable for both of us.

#6 - It has helped Louie not be so needy for breastfeeding in the morning. And because I am already dressed, I am not as lazy/lenient as I normally could be. Louie has been my needy breast-feeder and I am ready to be done, but I can tell that he isn't quite there yet. So I'm trying to make small victories in hopes that by the time he is 2 he will be officially done (if not sooner).

So there you have it. If you are a stay at home mom and you want to try this I highly recommend it. I'm sure this will be super easy for me to keep doing once my kiddos are headed off to "real" school in the future. But I didn't realize how nice it would be for me to do when they are still so small. I'm only about 19 months into this full time stay at home mom gig, so I'm sorry it took me this long to learn it - but at least it finally sunk in!!

Bonus: I got to play with my makeup every day :) Photos below, although I didn't manage to snap one every day.

My "Vacation"

So, summer vacations are hard to fathom when you have a newborn. I love having warm weather babies, so many benefits of people not being sick, life being a little bit slower, and so on and so forth. But this year I have missed just enjoying summer as well. Noelle and I had so much fun at the pool last year, and it just isn't possible for me to do that this year with a 3 year old AND newborn.

But this week is my "vacation"! Noelle is with Mala and Pop-pop in Marietta. Josh, Louie and I are holding down the fort here in Lexington and it is glorious! Noelle isn't a difficult child at all, but toddlers in general like a lot of a attention and don't always want to go with the flow. I miss my little buddy, but am enjoying a little break.

That's right - I can watch whatever I want on tv...not having to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every morning. I can easily get errands done with Louie in tow and don't have to manage wrangling a little girl into a shopping cart. I can even fly solo for a window of time and not feel guilty about leaving Josh with two crazy kids. He can totally handle one - which is awesome for me!

I had the thought before giving birth to Louie..."What was so hard about having an infant around?" I stand by that thought. The hardest thing is sleep deprivation of course, but I will say that Louie is not horrible at sleeping - and on top of that, once you have been sleep deprived as a parent once, it is like your body knows how to function more easily the second time it gets sleep deprived! Other than that, little babies are pretty awesome.

As much as I am tied down every 2-3 hours with this awesome chunk, he's a gem and thanks to him I get my little "vacation." I am still trying to enjoy these early days, because the other side of the coin is that I cannot wait for him to get big and see his personality. Kids just get so much fun just as they also become more "difficult"...

In the end, I love getting to love every stage of development. I'm sure I'll recant that statement in about 10 years when I have my first teenager in the home, but until then I will look forward to each and every precious age and stage.

A Day with Two (and a bit with 3!)

The first week of June I got the privilege of watching little Charlie Gotcher for a day. Charissa's mom was on vacation and she needed some help while she was at work. Charissa has helped me SO many times with Noelle and I was so excited that my schedule worked out that I could have little Charlie for a day.

Charlie was born in January of this year, and he is just the sweetest and most easy going baby I have been around. That is even counting Noelle (don't get me wrong, Noelle is the most amazing kid, but she wasn't the easiest baby in the whole world - really really really great - but not nearly as laid back as Charlie boy).

It was really fun to experience a day with two. It could have been that Charlie is just so awesome, but it almost felt like 2 wasn't much more work than having just the one!

Noelle was great too - she actually seemed more independent than a normal day, and she wasn't jealous at all. She WAS very concerned about how the baby was doing. She was obsessed with all the buckles on his car seat and bouncy chair.

Charlie had a great morning nap and we had lots of fun playing and eating lunch after that. Then I decided we should make a quick trip to the park. I put on my ergo baby carrier and Charlie was happy as a lark. By the end of our park trip he was already starting to doze off again.

During his second nap and Noelle's first nap I managed to get an hour of work done...then Lillie came to play for a little bit & shortly after that everyone woke up. She and Noelle just love to hang out together. Lillie loves all the different toys and Noelle loves watching how Lillie plays with them and joins in.

Lillie was very excited to see Charlie - way more excited than Noelle had been. But what was funny was that Lillie was a little jealous of my attention to Charlie later on. She didn't want to share my lap at one point and was highly annoyed that I was holding them both at the same time. Noelle meanwhile just did her own thing with her toys during the whole interaction. I felt very loved that Lillie was jealous of my attention to Charlie!

Now obviously It would be physically impossible for me to have birthed Noelle, Lillie, and Charlie on my own...but even so - I am pretty sure I don't want 3 kids. 2 is just enough to have hands for both :)

But it was very fun with 3 of them for a window of time. I had them all watching Frozen at one point, which was awesome.

Around 4:30 Charlie went home and shortly after that so did Lillie. Noelle and I had a quiet evening and I think we all slept well that night.

Here's some fun photos from the day's events!

Noelle was glad to see charlie, but couldn't wait to play with his buckles

Charlie immediately just made himself at home and chilled in his chair!

Then Noelle wanted to examine the buckles on the chair

More buckle examination

Noelle shared Nemo with Charlie. Everyone loves Nemo!

I haven't fed too many babies bottles since I breastfed Noelle!

Noelle loved joining Charlie during tummy time!

She also shared three-legged squirt with Charlie. They had a chat.

Off to the park!

And on the way home I had a snoozer in the ergo!

Lille was excited to play with Charlie!

She also loved watching Frozen, and wanted to show me her Nilla wafers snack.

Whenever Lillie comes over they play in the toybox/ottoman :)

       

Note to self...

When your toddler learns how to play with an old clock radio, make sure she doesn't learn how to turn on the alarm.

Yes. The alarm just went off. At 11:15pm. In her room.

Poor thing was startled and confused. I got there as quickly as I could, but of course it was already too late.  And it's not a gentle alarm clock. It is one of the most hateful and aggressive alarms I've ever heard in my life.

It is Josh's alarm clock radio from BEFORE we were married. And I'm pretty sure it was quite old when we got married!

We had used it to improvise white noise (putting it on FM static) after we were too lazy to unpack our ipod dock we had been using for white noise. But the stations changed recently and at the same time Noelle learned how to use the radio (she loves to play with it - Josh has a fabulous video of her dancing to K-Love). So it has just been in her room for her to play with when she feels like it.

Tonight it has been unplugged and tomorrow it will be moved to another room. And when she plays with it next I will check it to make sure the alarm hasn't been accidentally turned on.

Lesson learned.

All this has reminded me that no one should ever have to wake up to an alarm...

A Glimpse into the Future

Today I went for it!

I bought those teeny tiny rubber bands and pretended that Noelle had enough hair to make pigtails.

She might have a tender head like I had, because she was slightly annoyed with me...but the end result is pure cuteness!!

I don't have a good front shot because frankly, the little piggy tails are too small to see from the front!  It was very exciting to see her with a real hair do - and before I know it I will have to do this every day, instead of doing it for a little rainy afternoon activity.

I asked Noelle when she thought I would be able to do real pig tails on her. 18 months? 2 years old?

Her response:

How should I know? This is my first time growing hair Mama!!

We did it! And then some...

Tomorrow morning, Noelle will wake up, and the first part of breakfast will not be from Mama.

We've been getting closer and closer to being fully weaned. By her first birthday we were down to only the morning feed, and lunch and dinner were successfully transitioned to whole milk after her meals.

I've been looking forward to this change and dreading it all at the same time.  I think she is ready though, and I think I am ready too.

When I had Noelle, I decided to try to breastfeed for 6 months and re-evaluate once I hit that mark. It was really clear at 6 months that breastfeeding was one of her favorite things in the whole world, and there was no way we were ready to quit.  After that 6 month mark, breast feeding just got easier and easier. It was also free and extremely good for Noelle - so I decided to keep going until she was ready.

For months I got teary thinking about the end of this part of our bond, but I'm not on the verge of tears thinking about it now. She's ready as much as she can be, and it's just a little step of her growing up more and more. I've convinced myself that for each sweet baby thing she stops doing, she starts doing 2 new fun kid things that I love just as much.

Even so, I will never forget how special those moments have been with her. Her little "boob laugh" as we called it when she would get so excited to eat...the early days when she would fall into a complete milk coma halfway through eating...and her extremely fidgety final days where it was like she was trying to walk/crawl/eat all at the same time. She would even just stop eating from time to time and pause to give me a huge grin - just a little way of her saying "Thanks Mama!"

The good news is I still get those grins...when I go to get her out of her carseat or when I just take a minute to get her attention while she is playing with her toys. We are so blessed and fortunate to know and love this precious girl. 

I hope this transition is barely noticed by my girl!! We had an accidental trial day of it, when I woke up late for work on Monday. So I am hopeful that she will go on unaffected. 

After this process, we will work on dropping the bottles...for whatever reason she won't drink milk out of anything other than a bottle. If it's not one thing it's another, right? We'll get there...eventually!

The Waiting Game

A year ago today, we were waiting.

Noelle's due date was May 15, 2012.  But due to Josh's work schedule and some important events at church, I was bound and determined for that little baby not to come out until at least the early morning hours of May 21.  I know not many women would ever wish to be a week late, but I was still very comfortable up until the actual the labor process.  We had loads of people praying and praying that she would wait that extra week. 

She was a very obedient child in the womb :)

Then obedience turned into stubbornness. When we finally hit May 21, I realized just how much of a ticking time bomb I was.  I had 4 other friends that had all been due in May/early June. Per our due date orders, I was #2! By May 21, I was the only one without a baby in my arms. The waiting for labor to start is pretty incomparable to any other experience in my life.

Each night I would go to bed hoping and praying - maybe tonight! And each morning I was sorely disappointed that nothing had happened. I really really didn't want to be induced, because lots of first time moms don't have the best experience with it (there are plenty who do). Luckily my doctor was more than supportive of me going as natural as possible, and would only do anything if I begged.

My mom came in town that Monday (may 21), and we used that time to do anything and everything we could think of to be 100% ready for Noelle's arrival. We also took ridiculously long walks each evening to try and force the child out. Nothing, nothing, nothing worked. And by the end of the week, we had completely run out of things to do and prepare for.

Looking back though, the waiting wasn't so bad. It was one of the most memorable weeks of my life. I wouldn't even trade it back for an extra week with my sweet baby - she needed to keep cooking. 

I had 2 non-stress tests that week to make sure she was ok, and each time everything came back beautifully. That Thursday before she was born, the doctor said my time was up. If I wasn't in labor by Saturday  I would come into the hospital at 6pm to be induced. The eviction notice was served.

A year has passed since that week started. Instead of waiting to meet a little baby girl, I'm planning and waiting for her first birthday party. The little baby is thoroughly in the midst of becoming a little toddler. 

I feel like I write this alot on here - but I had NO IDEA how incredible becoming a parent would be. I thought I did, but it was such a teeny tiny sliver of what it actually has been. I'm so excited to countdown this week and celebrate one amazing and successful year for Noelle Madeleine Watkins!!

Me at 40 weeks - I don't think I took a 41 week shot!

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

I always knew you loved me. I always knew you would do anything for me. I always knew you would be there for me in every and any way you could.

But I never knew the depth of your love. I never knew the extremes you would go to in order to make sure I had what I needed (not what I wanted necessarily) to thrive and grow. I never knew just how far you would go to be by my side whenever I needed you most.

Now, I know.

I know what it means to have a piece of your heart living, breathing, walking and talking OUTSIDE of your body. I know just how much I can sacrifice myself for the well being of someone so small and dependent. And I know that you wouldn't take back one day, one hour, one minute, or one second of the time you spent sacrificing for Meagan and me.

I only have a start to understanding it all, but even just with my toes in the water, I have a glimpse of what this thing called motherhood is all about. I know that it is going to flash before my eyes, just as it flashed before yours. I am so grateful for  Noelle, and I am determined to treasure her for the priceless gift from God that she truly is.

If you're a mom, you know all of this. If you aren't a mom but you want to be someday, get ready for the most amazing experience of your life. If you have a mom or have a wife who is a mom, hug her extra tight today and know that she loves you and/or your kids more than you will likely ever know.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Who do we love? MOM! Oldie but a goodie.

She was so excited to get rid of me :)

Almost twins...26 years apart

The best part of being a mom...the chance to be a grandma

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How to Survive the First 8 Months!

It's hard to believe that my little girl is almost 8 months old. I know it is nothing, and soon I will be wondering how she became 18 years old...but still - this has felt like the fastest 8 months of my life! This tiny little girl has been the biggest gift from God. I could not have dreamed up a more amazing kid if I tried.  I know most parents feel this way about their kids, but seriously...she is INCREDIBLE!

I have some tips for some of you soon to be parents out there, or maybe you are brand new parents and still trying to figure it all out. Heck, maybe you are just thinking about having a kid at this point! I've learned a lot in the past 8 months and I am sure each day will only bring more revelations.

1. Get help for the first 1-2 weeks: After 9+ months of growing a child, you will need assistance when he/she arrives. You will be unbelievably tired and emotional and you just need someone to hand the baby to so you can go to the bathroom. Trust me. I had my mom with me for 10 glorious days after Noelle was born and she was a lifesaver. Whether it is a mom, grandma, mother in law, aunt, friend, crazy next door neighbor, whatever...find someone to help you.
   
   
2. Take it one day at a time and don't stress too much: You are getting to know that little person on a daily basis. What works one day will not work the next day, and that is ok. Chances are after a few days or so you will be the person who knows your kid THE BEST. Isn't that a settling truth? No one will know your kid quite as well as you do. This means you need to take a deep breath and roll with the punches. I spent so much time stressing over my little bundle of joy refusing to sleep on her own in her crib. Guess what? She does it great now. Guess what else? I kinda miss how I could ALWAYS get her to sleep on my chest so soundly. She really sleeps better on her own 95% of the time. Somewhere along the way I luckily realized I could stop obsessing over where she slept, and just know that I would always do what was best to get her to rest. Now I try to enjoy the times she needs to sleep with me. In the very near future she will not want to sleep or snuggle with me much at all!!
   
   
3. Set up a routine as soon as you can: You may not be a person who thrives on routine, but I love it. Turns out most babies love it too! It helps them get in predictable patterns and then they aren't as much of a mystery to you. They know what to expect and respond better to the jarring reality that they aren't in the womb anymore.  I personally loved The Baby Whisperer method. I understood more of what Noelle was needing and how to help her develop a routine. By 3-4 weeks old I knew what to expect and when to expect it. SUPER helpful.
   
   
4. Don't be obsessed with sticking to the routine: This may seem to negate #3, but the other really important thing about routines is that you have to let yourself be flexible. I have done plenty of things that the "Baby Whisperer" would probably shake her head at me in disappointment, but I knew what was best for Noelle and me at the time. Some days babies just have "off days" and everything is blown out of the water. Oh well. They aren't going to remember it 20 years from now much less 20 hours from now. So do your best, but chances are you are going to adapt it to fit your life and your kid as needed. Her days with me are far different from her days with Josh - and she adjusts accordingly!
   
   
5. Find Mommy friends to ask questions to: My favorite support system has been my mommy friends. Whether they have a kid who is 2 weeks older than Noelle or 2 years older, they have such great experience to tap into. My mom and mother-in-law have been great helps too - but the best advice has come from my friends who have very recently gone through the same thing. Baby guidelines have changed drastically since we were babies, so my friends offer something my parents can't!  If you don't have friends your age that have gone before you by a few months or years, find a group! There are some Mommy support groups out there if you do the work to search for them.
   
   
6. Let some stuff go: You will not be able to do it all with an infant around. Some things will have to fall by the wayside...like having a lovely clean house all the time, wearing makeup on a regular basis, or cooking dinner every night (or ever in some seasons!) Don't let it get to you. Your baby is only a baby for a short season, so enjoy it while it is here!
   
   
7. Spend some time away from the baby: I have the gift/curse (haha) of being a part time stay at home mom and part time employee. It's hard for sure some days, but I know it is so good for her to be with Josh  and I know it is good for me to talk to grown ups. Even if you don't work, you can enjoy volunteering somewhere. I am away from the munchkin one night a week and on Saturdays most weekends while I volunteer at church. At Quest they provide childcare for volunteers during services, which is so great, and luckily I have found great people who are willing to help me while I volunteer during other times so I don't have to hire sitters. That time away makes you cherish and appreciate the time with your baby even more, and it is SO GOOD for kids to be around lots of people who love them. I really believe in the mentality of it takes a village to raise a kid...we are social creatures people, and I think it is important to have a well-socialized kid. It will make your life so much easier in the long run.
   
   
8. Don't forget to invest in your marriage: Date night, date night, date night. As soon as you are comfortable, get in the habit of a regular date night where you go OUT of the house. It can be for just an hour at first if you want, but do it. You will probably talk about how amazing your kid is the whole time, but you need to continue investing in each other. Marriage takes work, and even if you see each other more because there is a baby you will still need separate one on one time with your spouse.

There you go - a tip for each month the little booger has been in our lives!!  I hope you found it was helpful in some form or fashion! There is so much more I could tell you, so if you ever have a question refer to #5 and get in touch with me :)